Sun, 09 Jun 2024 02:41:18 -0700WeeblyMon, 19 Mar 2018 02:11:21 GMThttp://thatswhatshesaidhesaid.com/dating/love-able-assholeWe all know one. Some are friends with one because they have known them a long time or because that’s the only friend they have. Others are friends with an asshole because they are assholes. You might even tolerate one because you like them so much.
They have angered and hurt you, but please understand that even though an asshole is not lovable, he or she is love-able.
An asshole is able to love because they are capable of pain. And the reverse is true for you. You love and will cause pain as well. Hurting people doesn’t make us assholes. Our entry point to interacting with others is one from a place of forgiveness and love. That’s our mindset. 
An asshole, is a severely injured human. Their entry point to interacting with others is one from a place of anger and pain and defense. They don’t like themselves; they hate themselves. It’s toxic and sad. Scary even.
On the surface, our approaches seem drastically different, but, fundamentally, they are the same. One is what the asshole is used to; one is what you are used to.
Assholes settle for the comfort of misery where are as we fight for foreign happiness.
Assholes either had a rough upbringing or something so dramatic happen during adulthood that broke them. With divorce rates climbing above 52%, it’s hard to believe that more than 48% people had a “healthy” upbringing even though divorce does not necessarily yield an unhealthy household. 
As adults, we cannot use our childhood as an excuse. It’s controlling and manipulative. It’s unfair to those who are trying to understand and care for the asshole (as the asshole is inflicting past trauma onto people who genuinely care in the present). Most importantly, it’s unfair to the asshole him/herself. He or she is not allowing himself or herself to be at peace even though he or she deserves it.
I used to think people continuously do things to hurt you because they are either 1) not aware (if you haven’t told them) or 2) they don’t care enough to put in consistent effort to change (not counting sociopaths and psychopaths). Today, I believe there is reason #3: People who continuously hurt you do so because they are so scared to trust, forgive, and love again that they rather “protect” themselves and push others away. They are hurting much more than the pain they are inflicting onto others.
And sadly for the asshole, 1,2, and 3 are not okay for people who know how to love themselves (and have so much going for themselves because they are so positive). The asshole will miss out on a lot of “opportunities”, their ticket to happiness, if they can ever realize it (before it’s too late). The person trying to care was probably their only hope.
I have started relationships and friendships with assholes because I saw the good in them and I have ended even more relationships and friendships with assholes because I won’t bank on this ounce of good and hope that they will change one day. It’s too tiring.
How do you help someone who won’t take feedback and retaliates when you are trying to be compassionate? It’s not our job to teach them; you cannot change anyone.
And we are not karma officers. That’s silly and contradictory to our approach of forgiveness and love.
We are all going to hurt each other. The suffering is only worth it for those who put in consistent effort towards and are committed to their own growth and hence you. Time doesn’t change people. Time doesn’t wash away pain. Intent does.
To those who can love. To those who can feel pain. To those who can distinguish between the two and understand one cannot exist without the other and don’t use one to replace the other.
To those who forgive themselves and others and love others. A prequel to last year’s “Love. Yourself.”]]>Wed, 19 Jul 2017 09:30:41 GMThttp://thatswhatshesaidhesaid.com/dating/love-yourselfFor some reason, love has been confused as the affection others show us. Before loving anyone, we have to learn to love ourselves. We seek attention from others because we haven't paid enough of it to ourselves. When we love ourselves, we know how to treat others (as we can empathize) and realize our self-worth. When we are harsh on ourselves, we will be harsh on others (subconsciously). A friend once said self-judgement is a form of egocentrism. Why do we set such high bar for ourselves and not others? Do we expect more from ourselves because we think we are better? When we forgive ourselves, we let others into our lives. We get access to a new mindset. It's courage disguised as faith's cousin. Defenses might protect us on the surface, but they are also blocking growth internally. And the person we are most scared of, ourselves, is damn good at building defense mechanisms. So good that we convince ourselves we aren't capable or deserving of certain things that we start depending on others to make us happy and when others don't "provide" that happiness or love, we think there's something wrong with ourselves and continue a negative cycle. Before looking anywhere for love, we have to look within ourselves first. Do we make an effort to become more positive everyday? Do we laugh when we can? Apologize when we should? And let go of what we can't change? Forgive yourself. Better yourself. Love yourself. ​]]>Wed, 19 Jul 2017 09:30:21 GMThttp://thatswhatshesaidhesaid.com/dating/july-19th-2017